Ever since we released the photos from the NUDE photo shoot I kept saying I was going to write something down about it. I kept feeling like I need to explain. But then I started thinking … I mean what is there to really explain?
So I decided that I wouldn’t explain it all. Instead, I’ll just take advantage of this opportunity to just peel back another layer. I actually feel more naked or stripped down by producing the curlBOX every month. When I started the business, I’m certain that I’ve never been more vulnerable. I experienced a range of emotions that eventually landed me “on the couch” but I’m so grateful for that. I was forced to grow up inside of a few months and each day I learn something new (whether it be about myself or others).
I grew up an awkward brown girl. It’s Friday night and I’m sitting in my bed sipping a glass of Pinot Noir, typing this out and listening to the new John Mayer album. I’ve never really been “cool.” I was never the girl that guys thought was cute. I had these really small boobs (I stuffed my bra for years through Jr. High). My Mom eventually came home one day with padded bras because I think she just felt my pain. We never talked about it … She just handed me the bag and it was just like “you can stop now.” And so I stopped.
I felt confident in many ways. I was so smart. I was so creative. I was always the team captain. Adults were always impressed with my manners. I had a lot going for me (so it seemed) but why couldn’t I ever feel pretty? I’d even have days when I’d look in the mirror and like the girl that I saw in the mirror and even though I knew it was me, I just never felt like it was me. I wasn’t that pretty. Ever.
As I keep typing this it’s starting to feel like an explanation. It probably is. So I lied. I guess I am explaining.
I spent many years wondering why it was so hard for me to accept a compliment or actually believe that I was beautiful. Maybe it was the images that were shoved down my throat. Every magazine, every movie, every commercial, every music video was telling me that I just didn’t have it. But. I. DO. I know I do.
So somewhere in my early twenties I started on my own personal crusade. I was going to learn everything that I could and get as much access as I could because ONE DAY I was going to have my very own platform to tell as many girls that looked like me or just felt like me that they were absolutely gorgeous. You’ve probably figured it out by now – I have a hidden agenda. I want you to know how amazing you are and guess what? No one can stop me. It’s MY company. I don’t have to answer to anyone telling me that she’s too this or her nose is to that or she’s too heavy or dark or WHATEVER -because TRUST that it happens. It begins and ends with me … And I do it for you.
And then there was the guy that I was head over heels in love with who dumped me when I was 20 years old for two reasons. His first reason for wanting to end our almost three year relationship was because he said he wanted to date someone that was “actually pretty.” Yes. He said that. And the second reason was because he didn’t feel like was certain about my future. I was fucking 20 years old … I’m sorry if I couldn’t stand on a hill and tell you that I was going to be a doctor or a lawyer. The truth was that I really didn’t KNOW. How am I supposed to be able to tell someone what I want to “be” when I grow up when I had only seen a corner of the world from the eyes of my parents? OK. Fine.
I can admit … When I do things or when I get tired or when I want to give up. I hear his voice waaaaayyyyy back in my head. And so I KEEP. GOING. I’ll show you. I will SHOW your ass. I will show every single person that doubted me that I CAN be something … In fact, I can be ANYTHING I CHOOSE! How about that? And I don’t need you to tell me that I’m beautiful – I am.
So I can admit … I have this sort of responsibility to you. I carry this with me because I know somewhere in your life you’ve probably had the awkward experience. And I bet that it’s probably holding you back in some way. I’m here to push you forward. I’m here to share some of my love with you. I hope that you feel as special as I attempt to make you feel. I don’t need to know you. I am you. A win for me is a win for you. As I progress, we progress. So I thank you for allowing me to share with you. And remember - KEEP. GOING.